I'm Not Ready

I've been a bit quiet on here this summer and I'm not mad about it. I think I expected that once school ended in April I would full-force be super woman and be able to handle three jobs, family time, time with Andrew, time for rest and working out, time for friends and fun, and then, of course, time to prepare for Andrew and I's wedding, and of course, make time to blog once or twice a week.

Yeah. I don't know what I was thinking.

Yet, here I am, a week away from getting married and I feel like I haven't talked about anything related to the wedding. This was mostly on purpose, but also on accident. I'm not a "details" kind of girl. Honestly, this past week was the first week of the whole wedding planning process that I even thought about what I wanted in terms of decor. Yep. The whole "look" of the wedding doesn't matter to me as much as the marriage. If you're a details person, do not fret--there will be PLENTY of pictures/details that I will share after the celebration. (:

All of that aside, I wanted to share something that has been on my heart this past month. I began to pray for time to listen in a quiet space by myself. I realized the only way I could get that in the midst of the business of everything else was to drive to and from work in silence--no music, no podcasts--NOTHING. It was weird at first because I'm used to filling silence with music or the voices of my favorite podcasters. But, amazingly enough, the first time I did this God spoke to me in such a surprising way.

I was praying about preparing my heart for marriage and asking if I was ready for the next season. Let me clarify that I definitely believe I supposed to marry Andrew and there is literally no one else I'd rather step into the next season with, but at the same time I worry about being ready to take on the new role of "wife". As someone with a history of wanting to be in control as well as avoiding change like the plague, this next step is a big deal.

So, anyway, as I was rambling to God about how I didn't have it all figured out and didn't know how to be a wife, etc, He interrupted my questions and concerns with these words, "Anna, you don't have to be ready for the next season because I've already been there."

If that's not a swift kick in the pants I don't know what is. After I heard that, I audibly said, "Oh my gosh!" And then got super excited because I wanted to write it down but was driving so I had to wait until I got to work. Once I got to work, this is what I wrote:

You don't have to be ready for something if God has already been ahead and prepared the way for you. So often, i think I have to have everything under control and perfectly in place before I step forward. But where's the faith in having everything perfectly managed? Doesn't that undermine God and his work?

A few days later, I wrote this upon more reflection:

I don't think anyone can fully be prepared for a thing like marriage, but I believe God has equipped me (and Andrew) with solid influences, friends, and experiences, family members, etc. to face what lies ahead. No, I have no idea what lies ahead of me, but I DO know God has already been there and is constantly guiding me. For now, i have to be content in being ready enough.

So, no...I'm not ready for marriage because I haven't experienced that season yet. But, I am ready to follow God in whatever season I'm in with Andrew by my side. I am ready to serve Him and His kingdom regardless of whether I have life under control or not. Because, regardless of how I feel, He has been ahead of me constantly preparing and equipping me to be ready enough for what lies ahead. Thank God for His amazing provision and faithfulness!

I want to leave you with some words I heard from Him after I wrote what I put above. I'm not sure if it will touch anyone else, but I feel like these words are meant for more than just me.

You are already enough in my sight. You are mine. I know you are anxious because you are starting a new season with new experiences, new adventures, new routine, new responsibilities--I know. It's difficult for you, I know. I have you, I have your life, I have your cares, worries, uncertainties--I know you.